Happy Brain, Happy Body

 I ended up going out to the bars last night. My boyfriend was texting that he was feeling lonely sitting at a bar, so I decided to go out. It was a gay bar in Seattle with shit-tons of shoulder-to-shoulder people, as is usual on Friday nights. It was a bear bar, meaning lots of thick people, facial hair, and ravenous eyes. I entered the bar and I did feel like a snack, which lowkey made me feel super good but also super uncomfortable. Isn't it funny how that works? One moment I'm so depressed and I want to feel attractive, and the next I'm considered really attractive but I really want to just be left alone.  Long story short, the night ended with us meeting two new people. There were five of us total, and we didn't get home until about 2AM. I was actually quite surprised I wasn't as grumpy as I used to be when I would stay up. Maybe that's growth? But perhaps that one hour nap I took last evening helped as well. I am also so so proud of myself  because all I h...

 I'm thankful for: Being alive. I may not be in the best head space right now, but I'm thankful that I can breathe. That I can get up and do things. That I can experience a huge array of positive and negative emotions. Yes, the negative emotion I am feeling right now is not the best, but I need to be able to feel the negative in order for me to feel the positive. I'm about to drink a tall glass of water and head to the gym and feel better. I'm glad I am able to do that for myself. 

 I'm in a brain fog. Brain foggggg

 My boyfriend wanted to go out to the bar with some friends. I really didn't feel like going, so I told him I didn't want to go. Normally I'm a pretty codependent person so I would go with my boyfriend practically everywhere, but I have to start thinking about my mental health, my physical health, and my finances. Does going to a bar help me with achieving my goals? No. Will drinking help me with my mental health or physical health? No. Should I really be surrounding myself with tipsy, drunk people? No. Do I even want  to go? No. I'm trying to save as much money as possible and do what I can at home. If I play my cards right, I can get my credit card paid off in 8-9 months, which will help tremendously with my finances. If I get my finances under control, that means I don't have to stress out so much about money. I can actually start saving up for a house, or my own car, or even go back to college and pursue a less stressful career. It does suck that the world does ...

 I'll keep it vague, but basically, I sent out an email I wasn't supposed to. I upset quite a few people. And now I feel terrible. The end. I've been beating myself up over it, but I have to forgive myself. I've done my apologizing, I did everything I could, so now I just need to take a deep breath and wait it out. It'll be ok. It'll be ok. It'll be ok.

 Thank God it's FRIDAYY. I really feel like I need some time for myself. A break. I realize with how social my boyfriend is, I really don't have a lot of home time. And combining with how I try to upkeep with my own friends, it just makes a very draining situation for an introvert. My goal for this weekend is self-care, self-care, self-care. And also rejuvenating activities. Too bad Washington State has the worst weather right now with all the rain, so laying out in a field of roses isn't an option at the moment.  What can I do to relax? Hmm.. maybe some guided meditation. Or my friend was asking about hot yoga, so I may just do that. I do remember feeling quite pure and zen after hot yoga. Daily affirmations: I am really quite smart, aren't I? Like, in a self-reflective kind of way. I have pretty high EQ. I'm an empath. but I'm also quite logical, organized, driven, and I actually can understand concepts. I problem solve and I work fast! I think that's why ...

 I think I've got it! The secret to conquering overeating has really nothing to do with the specifics, like calorie-counting, whether you feel full after that salad, depriving yourself of sugars at the end of the night.  It really comes down to trying to get down to the origin  of why  it is you overeat. I'm not talking about overeating because you're stressed, or anxious. I'm talking about trying to figure when, in your young life, did you start to associate food with feeling better. Once we get to that point, you can unravel those feelings and finally face the child in you that's been neglected this whole time. I discovered for myself that food was a coping mechanism for the neglect I was feeling from my parents. I post more information about it here , but it was only then did I realize that I was never actually hungry. It was a behavior that has been ingrained in me since I was younger - to eat to feel better, ESPECIALLY at night time. Once you get down to the OR...

Everything seems to be fine. I'm eating well under my calorie limit (I set myself up at 2100). I think I'm doing well, then BAM. I need to go to bed, I get a rush of "go-to-sleep" anxiety, and I end up overclocking myself at 2200-2400 calories. Instantly.  I'm not even necessarily hungry. Perhaps I'm worried? I do remember when I was younger, I would always associate going to sleep with some anxiety. I remember feeling intensely worried. I remember sitting in the corner of my childhood house and crying at the age of 5, crying that I was lonely. My parents would see this, try to comfort me, and I guess they would take me out to McDonalds or something to make me feel better. Perhaps... perhaps there is some psychological attachment to food at night right before bed. I think I associate food with settling my nerves before I sleep. That's probably it. My childhood self comes out at night, becomes very anxious, and becomes lonely at night. When I'm lonely, ...

 Lesson learned: only order one main dish at a restaurant, not two. I was very hungry yesterday and I ended up ordering a huge slice of cheese pizza, and one batch of chicken strips and fries. Honestly, I should have just ordered one (probably the chicken strips and fries). I would love to get mad at my boyfriend for being so social and inviting me out to bars to eat, but I can't really blame him because I can't stifle him the joy of hanging out with people. I don't want him to feel guilty for being social. I am the one that needs to be in control, even though it's going to FEEL SO GOOD if I throw all the blame on him. And for what, right? Just my crippled ego. I weighed in at 213.0 lbs today, which isn't terrible. At least I didn't gain  and I did calculate all my choices and attempted to stay under 2100 calories today. My "whoopsies" include grabbing one tiny chocolate peanut butter cup before bed, taking an extra bite of pretzel at the bar. But hey,...

Not that I need to, but I can say that I am 213.0 lbs today and proud of myself. Met some nice people I can call friends. Work went well… let’s keep this energy going! I am thankful for: my boyfriend, my diligence, my health, my youth, my awareness. I am thankful that I have enough drive to not take my young body for granted. I will do whatever it takes with my youth to get what I need to succeed in this life. 

Noom says to celebrate the small victories, so I figured I would celebrate this. I successful are under 2100 calories today and I exercised! Which means i’m one day closer to reaching my goals. I am thankful for: my income, my relationship, my personality, my intellect, my perseverance, my passion. Even though I get down on myself sometimes, I know that I have a very blessed life. I have every opportunity at my disposal to becoming great, and that alone is amazing.

 I just finished watching this YouTube video about "10 habits of successful people"  You can see it below: My biggest take away is that I have to set goals for myself. I realize more and more every day that I am not living the life that I want. I am not the weight that I want. I have way too much debt. I am doing the same thing every day. Yes, I have a good job and I am in a very fortunate situation of not being impoverished and all that, but I am still unhappy. I am not where I want to be. But how can I get where I want to be if I don't know  where I want to be? So I'm taking a few minutes this morning to write a few blog posts. I'm about to write some goals down on a Google sheet and I'll share it with you. You can't hit a target if you don't know where the target is, right? So let's make some. My first goal Most likely I'm going to tackle food, because food is seriously something I struggle with. I will say my calorie goal for this week is t...

Positive affirmations: I am strong, healthy, motivated. I WILL conquer this weight loss project I have been on. I WILL achieve getting into a medium shirt again. I WILL come back to onederland again. Why? Because i’m a badass and I never give up.  Weight: 213.4 lbs

Honestly, a lot of the reasons why I lean toward the physical aspect of losing weight because I want to look too pretty to be left behind.  Also part of the reason why I have such a hatred for gay white men that are dating someone that looks like them - because i’m envious. I’m envious that they are attracted to themselves, because I sure as hell wouldn’t date someone who looked like me. Is this, perhaps, a form of a self-hatred? Internal racism? Is that why i’m dating someone who is 60 lbs less than me? Am I just dating my ideal body type? If someone can direct me to my self-confidence, that would be great. 

Losing weight is going to be the hardest thing I ever do, and I have to understand that. Conceptually, losing weight is super easy. It basically boils down to calories in and calories out. When I was young, it was so easy for me to lose weight because all I had to do was just go to school and go home. But now, I have a big time job, a serious relationship, debt galore, mental issues, etc. All of this is keeping me more and more reliant on the dopamine associated with food.  I need to try to change my way of thinking. Maybe instead of being reliant on food, I can start using cardio or… something. Something that will make me feel good without ruining my body in the process. Maybe… yoga? But whatever it is, I can’t just have food being left around. it’s too hard for me to manage!