Perhaps I just have a hatred for gay white men that look the same

Honestly, a lot of the reasons why I lean toward the physical aspect of losing weight because I want to look too pretty to be left behind. 

Also part of the reason why I have such a hatred for gay white men that are dating someone that looks like them - because i’m envious. I’m envious that they are attracted to themselves, because I sure as hell wouldn’t date someone who looked like me.

Is this, perhaps, a form of a self-hatred? Internal racism? Is that why i’m dating someone who is 60 lbs less than me? Am I just dating my ideal body type?

If someone can direct me to my self-confidence, that would be great. 

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