It's time to go at it. Again

 I have tried practically every trick in the book to lose weight, but it just ain't working. I'm the biggest I have ever been, and I'm starting to feel it now. At least when I was 18 and 210+ lbs I had the youth to hold me up, but now my joints and my knees are starting to hurt at 28. I know something has got to change.

I am hoping that by starting this blog, I am going to keep myself effing accountable.

It's public too, so I'm sorry if you're reading all these and you're like, "dang, this guy is a psycho. and he does typos galore"

Honestly, this is a public diary. Makes me feel heard. And it allows me to get all my thoughts down on a medium without worrying about my wrist cramping from physically writing on paper.

I've also felt like I did better when I was able to reflect on blogs. Probably because I've had a computer practically my entire life.

Writing felt... limiting. and silly. Like I can only talk to myself and that's it. But with this blog, it feels like my energy and all the things I think about late at night get sent out to the universe! Go away, anxiety.

This blog PRIMARILY is for losing weight, but I understand that what I need more than to fit a size 32 jeans is to be happy, and happiness is much more than a number on the scale, amirite? It's being happy with how I look, happy with who I am... Happy brain, happy body. I thought the blog name was pretty nifty.

I'll start this blog off by saying that I FAILED! Well, actually Noom told me that I really shouldn't be talking in terms of negativity like that. (Oh yes, I signed up for Noom. $130 is out of my pocket and into their bank accounts, so I hope it works!)

So instead of saying I FAILED, I should say, "I ate too much calorically-dense foods, but that's ok! Let's try again next time"

I know my #1 worse thing about myself is my onslaught of negativity when it comes to weight loss, so I'm trying to incorporate happier thoughts. Like hey Steve, don't feel bad that you basically ate nothing but chips and noodles all day.

Or hey Steve, you're already 28 and almost 30 and you still haven't have the body you want.

Or hey Steve, guess what? You're in a relationship with someone who is in a healthy weight and you have to fight down the fear of always feel comparatively heavier.

BUT I GOTTA STOP THESE THOUGHTS! They're toxic and definitely learned from childhood. Attractiveness does not = number on the scale, nor does it mean size of shirt, nor size of shorts. Although I would love to get down to a medium some day.

What I really need is to lose weight to feel good. My very-smart brain can come up with a BAJILLION EXCUSES to not lose weight (and trust me, it has), but the fact of the matter is is that I REFUSE TO BE 213 LBS ANYMORE. I'm sick of it! My knees can't take it and I shouldn't be huffing and puffing from a slight amount of cardio activity.

I need to get rid my motivation of losing weight so I can look good. It's vapid and not sustainable for me, because I already think I'm pretty damn cute.

Jk. maybe. Maybe not. Let's see how my feelings are like come next Wednesday (hint hint: they never stay the same).

Maybe I have a bipolar disease and need to get it checked by the doctor? Honestly, my emotions are so out of whack that I will be very surprised if this blog lasts three whole days before I become moody again and leave the blogosphere.

But my boyfriend is off work and it's time to go. Peace, wish me luck

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